Saturday April 20, 2013 Weigh in

This morning I got on my scale fully clothed without shoes. The kind voice of a woman said, “Four Hundred and eighteen pounds” (I have a talking scale so I cannot cheat). I was thrilled and surprised. I hurried to get ready to go weigh in at the clinic before I gained any weight. I didn’t drink anything, take my pills or eat anything. I stuffed an apple in my purse and rushed out the door.

At the clinic, I weighed in I was surprised to see I had lost two more pounds since leaving home. I weighed 416.2. Wow!  in one week I lost 17.8 pounds! Whoa!!! In one week. My first goal is to lose anything even 2 ounces when I get on the scale at the clinic or at home. After I reach 20 pounds lost, I’m going to go get my hair cut. After that?? My main goal is to just keep following the program and lose more weight. I desperately want a bike–mine Trek navigator bike was stolen–so I can go for bike rides again and help fuel the furnace of weight loss. I’m looking forward to getting back to 350 pounds. I remember there were so many things I could do back then. I miss walking normally up or down the stairs. I miss feeling lighter. I miss not having to pull my legs in or out of the car or wrestle with my feet to get them into the car because I have trouble lifting my legs because they are so heavy. I miss going for long walks and not getting winded. I miss riding my bike around Mackinac Island. I miss feeling good. I miss having my back be free from pain. I miss my small feet and slim ankles. There is so much I am missing. I want to go camping again. I loved camping, sleeping in a tent, cooking over an open fire, feeling the cold of morning. I miss being able to sit in regular outdoor chairs. I miss not having to read labels to find out the weight limit on equipment or furniture. I miss wondering if I’ll break a chair or break the chair at the office because of my weight. There is so much I’ve missed by choosing to be so bad to myself.

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Head Hunger

At home in front of the TV last night, I had already eaten dinner–a steak with mounds of romaine lettuce, light sesame ginger dressing two-32 ounce tumblers of water (1 crystal light packet split between the two). As I enjoyed vegging out in front of the TV watching the breaking news on the capture of the Boston Marathon terrorists, the cravings began.

They weren’t in my stomach. They were in my head. I watched the reporters as they gave accounts of gun fire heard on the streets. I wanted to stay planted in front of the TV instead of giving in to the cravings to stuff myself with who knows what. I refused to get up and go look in the cabinets or the refrigerator because that would be giving in.

I wanted something to comfort me as I listened to the news  about events earlier in the day that Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the older brother had been killed in a gun battle with police (if you are going to do horrible things to your country and countrymen then good riddance). After a  door to door manhunt for the younger brother,  Dzhokhar Tsarnaev he had been cornered hiding in a boat (of all things). It was upsetting news. I thought about my own neighborhood and the events in this small city where I live. The only event that could be comparable to the Boston Marathon would be a NASCAR race here in the State. If terrorism can strike during an event like the Boston Marathon–something that is a fun event for those who run it and those who watch–then no event is safe. This is the thought that was driving me to give in to the thoughts in my head, to the craving in my mind, to the need for comfort, to the need to be nourished and satiated. I felt helpless as I listened and watched and hoped whoever pulled the guy out of his hiding place in the boat pulled him out by his hair and got in a few face punches before cuffing him and stuffing him into the back of a patrol car (yeah, I’m angry at the situation and feel this is just cause for police brutality–you strike at the U.S. and when we catch you, you will get an ass whipping and a good one). I digress.

My head wanted comfort, it ached and nagged me to put something in my mouth and to keep putting something in my mouth. I knew I could quiet the voice by giving in, but that’s what I always do, that’s how I got to be 436 pounds in the first place. Saturday morning I would weigh. I didn’t want to blow it. Yes, the news on TV was upsetting but there wasn’t anything I could do to change what had happened to those happy citizens of Boston–those people standing closest to the bomb in the bag–happy, chatting, sharing the moment with friends, waiting for friends to run by so they could scream their name and cheer them on, or maybe it was the first time someone had ever ventured down to the race–whatever the reason–I was helpless. But there was something I could do for myself in that moment–not give in to the want to eat.

I sat watching the news for sometime. After the Chechen brother,  Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, was finally captured, the news ended and the regular TV programs came back on. It was late and now my stomach protested. I did want something to eat. I just needed something to take the edge off so I didn’t go to bed feeling deprived. I ate a slice of diet bread (35 calories multi-grain) and some light smart balance. It was enough.  My stomach was satisfied about an hour later I went to bed.

More Weight Lost

Today is 4/17/13 I weighed in tonight after work and a day of eating healthy. I thought maybe I had gained a couple of pounds but was happily surprised that I actually lost 1 pound since Monday, 4/15/13. That one little pound gave me hope. I was afraid that the big, two day weight lost would have come back on because I thought it was only water weight loss. I was thrilled to see that it was not water weight lost, but a true weight loss.

Fearing that I had somehow weighed in wrong, I moved around the scale to see if and how much the number changed. I gained 8 ounces if I stood closer to the front of the scale, but lost 40 if I stood toward the back end. Standing near the front in the middle of the scale again produced 421 pounds. With that number, I was quite happy.

I was hoping for even just a few ounces lost…anything showing my weight is dropping. Instead I received a whole pound (and a few ounces off…but I’m not sure how many ounces so am not including it).

One pound lost. One true pound lost. No cheating or trying to cheat by where I stand on the scale. It was a real pound. I’ve seen my weight drop and I’ve seen it climb steadily until I gave up trying. Now that I’m back to trying it feels so good to have lost one pound. Actually, that is one pound lost in two days…since Monday. Such a good day. I’m trying. It is working and that feels great!!

Protein and yellow mustard, the key to weight loss

When I stepped on the scale tonight at Medical Weight Loss Clinic after spending my weekend eating steaks and salad and really not much else (there was a sale on New York Strip at a local market for $4.49 a pound) I was shocked. At first I joked around with the attendant by holding onto the wall as I weighed in. We laughed and then I let go of the wall and got back on the scale. I dropped from 434 pounds to 422.8. We both thought the scale was wrong, so I got back on and the same weight popped up. I was amazed.

In three days–no, less than that–from Saturday morning to Monday night, 2.5 days, I lost over 11 pounds. Wha hoo!! The next time I weigh in will be Wednesday.

So how in the world did I lose 11 pounds in 2 days. Well, I did weigh 434 pounds. I ate mostly only yellow-mustard smothered protein over the weekend with salad, fat free dressing and naval oranges 1 on Saturday, 1 on Sunday and 1 orange today. So I went heavy on the protein and salad and not much else.

This morning I ate 1 packet of strawberry and cream oatmeal. Waited for about 1 hour, felt hungry again and ate another packet (I keep flavored packets of oatmeal in a drawer at my desk at work). About an hour later I was hungry again, so I remembered I had a couple of emergency fat free yogurts in the frig. Again, after about an hour I was hungry again, so I peeled a naval orange and savored each section. It took me about an hour to eat the orange, by then it was almost time for lunch. I warmed up a 5-6 ounce (no, I didn’t weigh it) chuck steak (very fatty), the rest of a bag of tossed salad, fat free french dressing, and about 10 spears of barely cooked asparagus. After about an hour I had a yogurt (low fat-80 calories) for dessert.

Tonight, I ate a large tossed salad (mostly lettuce, diced carrots and red cabbage) with fat free ginger sesame ginger dressing, a 5-6 ounce steak dipped in plain yellow mustard, with barely cooked asparagus. I had crystal light to drink and feel very satisfied. I’ll go to bed in a couple of hours and start the day again.

Since this was such a successful diet for me, I want to remember what I did. I think having yellow mustard helped to curb my appetite.

Pain

I started therapy sometime in September 2012 to deal with the problem of my weight and the choices I’ve made, why I’ve made them, to get me to this point. Back at the end of March 2013, I resigned back up for Medical Weight Loss Clinic’s weight loss program and had incredible success. In the first week I lost 16.4 pounds. I found the diet too restrictive and craved bread, so I ate bread–a whole bag within 3 days with smart balance butter–almost a full 16 ounce tub in 3 days. I gave up after that and gained back almost all of the weight I lost.

Getting out of bed Friday morning, April 11, my right knee gave. I caught myself, sitting down on the bed. All day at work, I suffered pain each time I got up and my knee gave 3 other times sending me back into my seat. How much is enough? I have the choice to change, but am not taking it. These are things I deal with in therapy.

I’m not sure therapy is working because I am not choosing to change even though the pain is great. My doctor has told me that pain causes us to change. Not so with me. I am experiencing a lot of pain both emotional and physical, but yet I continue to hurt myself in order to maintain the pain. I have hurt so long that to be without pain is odd. It is not comfortable because it is unknown. Am I that afraid of the unknown? Apparently.

New day with no mistakes in it

Today is a new day with no mistakes in it. I crashed and burned over the weekend, eating my way through the kitchen. I didn’t drink enough water yesterday and didn’t move much, suffered a headache that I couldn’t shake and came home early from work. After spending the morning in bed recovering in sleep and a dark room, I feel much better and am ready to tackle the day.

I weigh in today at Medical Weight Loss Clinic and am dreading it because of my binge eating over the weekend. I feel a lot heavier. We shall see what today brings. Even though I feel heavier, each day brings a fresh start with new choices. I can choose to continue living how I have–binge eating, choosing junk foods over healthy, overeating once I know I’m full or I can temper myself and set my mind to eating healthy and sensibly today. All I have to deal with is one moment at a time. That’s it. I don’t have to worry about what the scale will tell me tomorrow, or the next day. Today is the only day that matters. I can choose to live healthy today–choose to take a step forward instead of running for the nearest exit. I can live better and will try to today. How about you? What are your choices today?

400 pound woman

I am 5’11” and weigh 430 pounds as of today, April 6, 2013. I have over 250 pounds to lose. I’ve tried a lot of diets, but have not stuck with it for very long. I am a food addict, a sugar addict and emotional eater. I started this blog so I could have a place to rant and rave about the troubles I’ve caused and my progress in attempting, once again, weight loss.

I’m open to suggestion. Feel free to share your struggles and triumphs in comments or email me. If you are rude or mean, I will block you. I don’t need to hear shit from anyone and you are not God’s gift to the obese so shut the fuck up bully! Clear enough? Good.

This morning I started the day by realizing my silver Trek bike had been stolen from my enclosed front porch sometime within the last six months.  I only rode it once last year sometime in late summer. It was a frightening experience since the previous year I had fallen off it and torn the meniscus in my right knee, which caused a lot of pain and required surgery. Getting back on the bike a year later was terrifying, so no wonder I didn’t miss it until this morning now that the weather is getting warmer. I called the police and reported it stolen, gave them the serial number and then took a drive to the local pawn shops and consignment bike shops here in town. None of them had taken in a Trek bike.

Looking online for a new bike, I sought one that could hold at least 450 pounds. My choices were very few and expensive. Looks like I’ll have to use walking as my choice exercise in order to lose weight.

Earlier this month, I started back to Medical Weight Loss Clinic and had lost in one week 16 pounds on their diet plan. I thought it was too good to be true because by Wednesday of this week I had regained 5 of it, by Friday, I had gained another 4 and today, Saturday, I gained all but 5 pounds back.

Frustrated and angry at my failure, I ate and ate. I’ve been eating for the past two days (and I wonder why I cannot lose or keep the weight off that I lose). Yesterday, I bought four 8 ounce (or more) chocolate peanut butter cups at the dollar store only they weren’t filled with peanut butter but with a creamy, frosting-like substance. Yummy!

Today, still frustrated, I took a cake mix, added water, and put it in a bowl in the microwave. I ate most of it.

I am in therapy for food addiction, which doesn’t seem to be doing much for me other than giving me someone to talk to about why I choose to continue to hurt myself with food. As I told my therapist I don’t think I have a bottom, meaning alcoholics can hit bottom for some it is when they sober up in a hospital room wearing an adult brief laying in their own piss and shit, yeah if you are an alcoholic and are being detoxed in the hospital or don’t keep yourself drunk enough, you will piss and shit yourself until you get that next drink. What a lovely picture that makes. It doesn’t matter if you are a clean cut CEO or a street rat…detoxing a drunk is the same for everyone.

Being 430 pounds hurts emotionally, but physically too. Climbing the stairs is painful. I have to hold to the rail and take the stairs one by one. At the store, I use a basket to walk the store. I wear out pretty easily and have to find a place to sit, usually this is in the furniture section or on a bench, etc.

One of the things I am very thankful for is that I do not have any co-dependent people in my life. If I did, I would probably be 500-700 pounds by now. Why? It’s because when you have people in your life that enable you to eat poorly, that do your shopping for you and buy unhealthy things, that go to fast food restaurants and bring home bags of .99 cent hamburgers, they are enabling your unhealthy lifestyle by their actions. Maybe your family likes you obese. Are you easier to control this way? More predictable? No man would dare look at you so your jealous boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife won’t have to worry about losing you to someone else? What is the reason fr their enabling?

For me, I did this to myself as a means of punishing me for bad choices, for choosing to live alone and not marry, for choosing to fail at so many things I’ve tried. Failing is a lot easier than succeeding. It takes a lot less energy. I’ve spent so much energy failing that I don’t have any energy left to succeed. So many excuses.

Oh yeah, this is not going to be a nice blog filled with comfort and joy. No, it’s going to contain my frustration and anger over my choosing to fail. Let’s hope that somewhere in my journey I learn to love myself where I am and choose to change and get a hold of this eating disorder before it kills me.