Control

I cannot control what others do or how they behave, but I can control myself. Tonight at home after a long day at work (8 hour days at work are always long whether it was a great day or not), I came home after attending a refreshing Over Eaters Anonymous local meeting, after shopping for dinner and wanted a peaceful evening in front of the TV.

I fixed dinner. As I enjoyed the flavors of the meal, the next door neighbors turned up a radio. The bass boomed, reverberating against the windows in my house. Usually I call the police and am done on it, but not this time. This time I decided to walk over, ask whose radio was blaring and ask them to please turn it down.

I was surprised that the owner of the radio was an older, dehydrated-looking man in a ball cap holding one of the beers from a six pack at his feet. “Whose truck is this?” I asked pointing to the green truck. “His,” a young woman said motioning to the man with a nod of her head. The young man sitting next to her on the front wooden steps said, “Just turn it down.”

“Thank you,” I said, walking back to my home. “Get an iPod,” I said under my breath.

I could have comforted myself through food. I could have, but I didn’t. I didn’t want that incident of thoughtlessness to control me. I finished dinner and the music started up again. Angry, I called the police. Sometime later the police came. The music stopped. Sometime later, the music increased again. Ugh!! I was done eating for the night, so food was not a coping choice. I thought of wearing ear plugs and going to bed. The noise didn’t have to affect me. Ah, there’s a thought. So, I turned back to the TV and ignored the noise. Now, sometime later, the noise has stopped, my TV is louder and I am comfortably enjoying the rest of the shows I planned to watch tonight.

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From Lunch to now 2 pounds gone

I forgot to weigh in this morning. I take a water pill and my doctor told me to weigh in every day so I can record changes in my water weight (not that I’ve been weighing in everyday). Anyway, I weighed in when I came home for lunch: 419 on the dot. After work, I weighed in again at Medical Weight Loss Clinic and was surprised to see I’d lost more weight. I weighed in at 417.4 pounds. Could I really have lost almost 2 pounds since lunch? I haven’t been peeing that much…where did the weight go? My home scale could not be wrong. It talks and tells me my weight down to the ounces, so there is no fudging. After checking in with my counselor at MWLC, I asked to get back on the scale and see if it really was 417.4. I weighed in 3 more times and the weight came up to 417.6. I was perplexed. How did I gain 2 ounces within 10 minutes.

At home, I weighed again: 417.8 ounces. We’ll call it good 🙂

This is me, love me as I am

Okay, so part of being in O.A. is so we can be open and honest and not judgmental. Whether you agree with my methods of dieting/life changes, etc. please don’t chase me out to my car offering motherly advice about the changes I should or could be making. I won’t want to share at group if I think my sharing is open to comment or will be seen by you as an invitation to offer advice. Love me as I am, where I am because I’m doing the best I can and know what I need to do without any commentary by you. Hopefully you know who you are. If you haven’t followed me out to my car offering advice, then I am not talking to you. Hopefully the person that did this in the O.A. group I belong to will read this and understand and not offer an apology, but will practice abstinence in any future advice offered to me. I don’t want it and I don’t need it. Sorry if anyone is offended by this, but I needed to say it. Thank you for listening and following what I need from you.

Anonymity

Those who know me and have been invited here know who I am. I want to be open and honest in these blogs and don’t want random people stumbling across my photo and saying–“oh, hey, I know that person”. I want to be free to write what I want here and not be judged for it.

This is why I took my face off the photo I posted. But why post a photo at all? I posted the photo so that I could have a record of my progress. So others would know the size of my body and so I would remember what I looked like as I continue to write about my struggles. I’m just not ready to reveal my face to the world.

I say I want to be open and honest in this blog, but how can I when I am willing to post a photo, but not my face? That isn’t being open and honest. Maybe it is me trying to protect me from an insensitive world full of good intentioned judgmental people. You know who you are and yeah, the finger is pointing right back at me too.

Goals on Paper

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For me, seeing my goals on paper is going to be what keeps me on track. Yesterday, I updated the “Weight Loss Progress” chart I created using an Excel spreadsheets. Today, I created a “Followed the Plan?” daily progress chart. The one I will put on the wall near the scale in the bathroom so I can record weekly weights four times a week. The other, I’ll, hmmm, post on the frig to keep track of my eating plan progress. Posting it on the frig will definitely be a deterrent to binge eating and overeating in general.

I’m thinking that if I can see what I am doing then I can stop these bad behaviors and change the course of my life. When I created the weight loss progress chart I was shocked to find that I only had 19 weeks in which to complete the goal of losing 40 pounds that my therapist and I agreed upon a couple of months ago. Until I put the number of weeks into the chart, I didn’t know how short the time was. I now have 19 weeks to lose 40 pounds. I’ve spent two months, or 8 weeks,  trying to lose 20, so losing 40 seems like an impossible task if I continue on my current course.

So what is going to be the change that I am making that will help me get to 40 pounds lost and beyond? I’m going back to Medical Weight Loss Clinic and weighing in three times a week.

I’m following the Weight Down Workshops program:

Eat only when your body is hungry

Only eat what it is hungry for 

Stop when you are satisfied

Saturday and Sunday of this week I was able to do just that–find hunger, ask my body what it wanted and eat only that. So instead of gobbling up two steaks in a sitting, I ate one. It helped too that I only fixed one steak.

 

Last Night

Last night I went to bed slightly hungry. It was a wonderful feeling knowing I did not give in to more random eating. I waited for true hunger all day before I ate. That small step was a huge accomplishment in taking control back over binge eating.

Yes, I ate Taco Bell for lunch, because that is what I really wanted. That was what my body was telling me it wanted and I gave my body what it wanted and my body was satisfied.

After a long, luxurious nap, (yes, I battle depression), I waited again for true hunger–afraid it would never come. Finally, yes, it came. I had bought some rib-eye steaks on sale for $4.99 a pound. I fixed a baked potato and a rib-eye. I enjoyed every bite.

I put up the sign I told my therapist I would–it’s helping to bring clarity to my life.

I read from “For Today” May 27, out of the Over Eaters Anonymous book today and waited for true hunger and ate a cup of cereal and skim milk. It tasted so good and satisfied my hunger. I am content.

This disease rages within me, but I don’t have to give in to the raging. There is still so much to experience in this life. Why would I allow food to bring me down? Why would I allow it to entomb me in this body? Why would I allow its chains to bind me? There is so much here and so much more I want out of this life. It isn’t too late. I have this moment. I have this choice. I have this day and will take it one day at a time. Thank you Lord for that. Thank you for my sanity. Thank you that even though I’ve ignored you and pushed you away you’ve been here the whole time. Thank you for being consistent.

Holiday Weekend Never too Late to Start Again

After several weeks of going on a Belguim Waffle binge, and in desperation, I started again this week to focus on the want to stop binging and getting the support and accountability I needed.

Monday, I attended the Over Eaters Anonymous local group. A few hours after, I went online to find another O.A. meeting, found one, finally figured out how to join the group with two minutes to go in the meeting. At least I was there.

Thursday, I attended the local O.A. meeting and shared about my struggle–I ate a box of ice cream and donuts at work. My addiction to food has moved from the safety of my home to work now. Like an alcoholic hiding a bottle in a desk drawer, I waited for someone to look around the edge of my cubicle and catch me at it. I waited for…wanted to be shamed for my dispicable act of self indulgence…maybe that would make me stop. No one saw. No one noticed who passed by.

Saturday morning, I attended the local O.A. meeting and went to see my therapist. We talked about my successes this week and what would help me change to live healthy. I told him I didn’t want to feel like this. I didn’t want to feel bad. I didn’t want to feel the pain that my weight has caused me that I am ignoring as hard as possible. I forget who suggested it…probably him, yes, it was him. That I put a sticky note on the refrigerator with “I don’t like the way I feel” on it as a reminder to not indulge in over eating.

Change is worth the effort.

I don’t like the way I feel.

I don’t have to feel like this if I don’t give in to the temptation to indulge my addiction to overeating.

I will chose sensible portions of food.

I will listen to the voice of my body so I know when I am experiencing true hunger.

I will eat when I am hungry.

I will eat what my body is hungry for.

I will stop when I am satisfied.

Satisfied comes a lot sooner than I think it does.